I’ve sat down several times to write this post but quit thinking I’ll wait till it’s from a more positive perspective. More than 24 hours later and having cried lots of tears; I’ve decided to just share anyhow.
First I’ll start on the positive note. I’ve just returned from spending several days with my sister. This is always fun and no matter the situation we can always find something to laugh about.
She just moved into her new home. It has the most AMAZING view. Her sunroom overlooks the backyard with a pond and an arched bridge. Beyond the pond and bridge are lots of trees. The house is situated in town but it feels like the country. It’s an old house but I love it…it really feels like home.
Kevin and I had delivered furniture on Wednesday and my plan was to return home the same day. But after arriving, seeing ALL the boxes, and assessing just how much work was ahead for one person on their own …the idea of “doing unto others”…....... I chose to stay.
I had only the clothes on my back, my contacts, and my purse. So I borrowed some stuff from Roxanne including clothing and a 14-year-old pair of eyeglasses (scary). I am about 30 lbs. heavier than my sister, so my apparel was very interesting!! Over all I was NOT a “sexy look’ in momma”. Fortunately no cameras were to be found!
Our hope was to have her kids’ rooms ready when they arrived. We worked till the wee hours of each morning accomplishing an unbelievable amount of stuff, more than we had hoped for. So overall I had a great time, got lots done and made some fun memories in Roxanne’s new home.
Here’s the hard part – I have so many questions. Why God? Why a house in the north – why not here near us? Why does she only get to put her kids to bed 1/2 of the time? Why does she miss out on 1/2 of her kids’ lives? How will all of this affect the children long term? Why do her and the children seem to be the ones paying such a high price for something not of their choosing? How much disgrace does all this bring to God's good name and that of the "church"? How does this affect those "searching" for something more?
The entire experience over the past 4 1/2 years has been more painful than anything I’ve ever walked through. My husband and children have been AMAZING. My sister has shown me what it means to “walk by faith”. Our leadership and church family have loved Roxanne and the children with open arms.
I have such a strong sense of justice in me. I will admit: while driving home I had to keep repenting for my thoughts of judgment towards – “you know whom”. From my perspective all of this is so unfair and lacks justice. “Why if I were God……” The most challenging part is facing what all of this has exposed about my heart, character and at times my response.
After “pondering” a lot of things in my heart, I am left with far more questions than answers!
So, this is my plan - I'll make supper, spend more time reading the Word, do my treadmill thing with Kev's ipod and pray in the Spirit....I think, for today this is the answer!
Shari
P.S.
Sorry girls, I know this ain’t pretty but I’m just being honest about where I’m at!
7 comments:
Shari,
Don't be sorry. I've had all those thoughts (and more..I know) with Jason.
What a wonderful gift you are giving to your sister through being there. I pray my children are half as caring towards each other as you have shown during this time.
God bless you.
Amy
...I will strenghten you and help you;I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... Isaiah 41:10
Shari
You are completely right, it is not fair and it is an injustice that is completely undeserved....
The why's of such an injustice can not easily if ever be answered.
What I have experienced gives me one truth,(though it took many years to see this truth), and it is that God truly is a God of justice. The justice is at first hard to grasp because it is not the way we think justice is given.
There is a solid Biblical principle though that when the enemy attacks unjustly...he has tipped the scales of justice against us. God is then able to come in and not only pour out enough blessing, justice to even things up again....but to tip them back in our favor. He does it in abundance. We might not see the connections right away, because it may not seem like it is directly related, but you watch ....beginning with her new home to start her new life, God is and will continue to pour out His justice in the form of favor and Blessing all over Roxanne and her children.
Also, something God told me many years ago, when I was in a not so different situation, is this...."I am bigger than any statistics, and you do not need to pay any attention to what the EXPERTS and statistics say". God will keep those children in a bubble of His protection, and you need to know that His will for all of them is not to harm them, but to prosper them, and to bring them life! Life is not just getting by and making it through the hardship....life is becoming more than conquerors....Believe for all of them...I am telling you, you will see His goodness inspite of all of the injustice.
Amos 5:24 "But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"
Thanks girls, I didn't realize how much I needed some encouragment until I began reading your comments (you had me in tears-good tears) Your words are my "cup of cold water" in the midst of this weary journey.
Amy - your family has been such a blessing to me and my family, in all of this season.
Jen- I say "Bring on the river and stream"!
Thanks for being a friend.
Shari
Thanks for sharing Shari!
I will be praying for strength and perseverance...for all of you. Can't wait to see all the "good stuff" that God has for your sister and her children, in the days ahead.
Love,
Holly
Shari,
Thanks for being real, that is what this whole reformation journey is about. We do not and I do not judge you for your feelings and questions. God is already at work within your heart, and He will lead you to a release and peace.
There is no doubt in my mind however, that Roxanne is exactly where God has planned for her. I believe that God has been guiding her and been a perfect husband, and helped her find the perfect home. This home is the beginning of a new season.
I also have no doubt in my mind that God will cover for any "missing elements" for the children. He will not let them lack ANY GOOD THING.
When I was gone from Alyssa (especially) and Matt for days on end with Lindsay, I would worry about how much they were missing what they needed from me or Sid. God showed me over and over again, that He cared about that and brought others to help guide our kids.
I wanted it to be me, but I realized that He cared enough to provide in other ways, and He gave them what they needed.
"Though my father and mother forsake me, You O Lord will take me up"
I love ,and God loves your caring heart. He wants you to know that HE WILL TAKE THEM UP.
When I think of your sister, I see a strong woman, who is walking a deep journey of trust. Even thought she has emotions and grief, I see that she believes that He will take care, and shelter, and mother, and love on them, when she cannot.
Thanks for being real!
Thank you for your honesty,it's truly refreshing!!!if only everyone would be as transparent. Thank you for the model of what it means to be human,you are a inspiration to me!!!
Shari,
I am sorry I was not able to read all of this as it was happening...but here I am now...getting all caught up so to speak.
Presently my brother is in a custody battle for all four of his children. During this time...C.A.S. has taken them from their mother on more than one occasion..and yet...they will not let him have them.
I am so frustrated and angry with this situation and feel helpless to be able to do anything about it. They are in Calgary...and I am here. I can't even visit them.
It is REALLY great to read all of the encouragements that you received...and know that God will also care for my nephew's and neices.
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